Empty But Not Alone

Miscarriages are horrible, there is no other way to explain it. My miscarriage left me feeling completely empty and depressed. I began spotting very shortly after finding out I was pregnant. My doctor saw me immediately and performed an ultrasound that confirmed everything was normal and I was approximately 8 weeks pregnant. I left the office feeling relieved and hopeful. The spotting stopped and I began experiencing morning sickness. I felt miserable which indicated the baby should be progressing. Around 11 weeks, I suddenly started feeling back to normal without any queasiness. 

I went to my doctor for a routine ultrasound right at 12 weeks and couldn’t understand why my ultrasound technician became very quiet. I made a comment about how much the baby had grown since my previous ultrasound at 8 weeks and was quickly told “I cannot discuss anything with you, the doctor will review everything”. I asked for a photo of my little one and the technician said, “you can ask your doctor”. Still completely oblivious to what her underlying message was, I blew it off like nothing since I was so happy to see my little blob on the screen. Little did I realize, my world was about to crash down around me.

I was waiting in the exam room to see my doctor and she came in saying “oh honey, I’m sorry your baby has no heartbeat”. I was completely dumbfounded by her words. I wasn’t sure what she meant so I asked if we needed to have another ultrasound performed. She then explained that my baby had stopped growing and that I was having a miscarriage. My world started spinning, how was I supposed to stop dreaming about my unborn baby? I was so excited about bringing a little one into the world, and now I had to just put all those thoughts on hold.

Words cannot describe the flood of emotions that swept through me. I was sad, scared and angry all at the same time. My doctor explained that I needed to make a decision about how to proceed. Since I was still numb about everything, she scheduled an appointment for me to meet with her the next day. She agreed to perform another ultrasound to confirm there was no heartbeat to give me peace of mind. Sure enough, I had to live through the agony again while it was indeed confirmed. The doctor then took me into her office to discuss my option.

The thought of having something dead inside of me was disturbing and I knew the healing process couldn’t begin until it was no longer there. I was encouraged not to risk surgery or anesthesia, so a D&C was quickly ruled out. My doctor convinced me to take medicine to encourage the miscarriage (I was warned this route was not always successful). I trusted my doctor since this was her profession, and agreed to the medical management. I was prescribed three prescriptions and sent home to rest. The doctor told me it would be “uncomfortable, but nothing unbearable”.

I’m not going to get into the details but this was the most excruciating experience I have ever had in my life, both mentally and physically. The medicine forced my body into true labor and the pain medicine provided no relief whatsoever. The bottom line is, I would NOT recommend this route to my worst enemy. The agony did not end until the miscarriage was indeed over. At that point, I had immediate relief from the physical pain…but had to start dealing with the mental aspects of the ordeal. If you are given a choice, I highly encourage a D&C.

The miscarriage was tough on my family, but we survived and are stronger because of it. Regardless of how far along someone is when they lose their baby, the loss is excruciating. I shut out my loved ones and acted as though it was “no big deal” but in all honesty, it was the most difficult things I have ever dealt with. Thankfully, I was blessed with my beautiful baby boy a year and a half later and now life feels complete. It was a difficult journey, but my little miracle is here and I couldn’t be happier. Of course reliving the experience is painful for me, but worth it if my story can help another mother who is facing a similar situation.

If you have a loved one that experiences a miscarriage, let them know they are not alone and to trust that God has a plan. There are support groups such as Silent Grief that provide comfort. Time helps heal wounds, but a parent will never forget. 

Thanks for stopping by The Unemployed Mom.

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