Dear Merriam Webster,

I am a bit confused by your definition of toddler. According to your online dictionary, toddler is “one that toddles; especially : a young child”. Obviously, whoever came up with this definition has never spent much time around one. As a mom to a 2 year old, I can think of better phrases to describe the word instead of “one that toddles”. Here are my suggestions for consideration:

• “one that throws tantrums so loud they pierce your eardrums”
• “one that acts like an idiot in public and causes humiliation to parents and pains everyone around”
• “an extremely effective form of birth control”
• “a little person who wants  control at all times and if you try to stand in his or her way, you may be injured by flailing limbs”.

I appreciate urban dictionary’s definition of toddler, it reads:

“Tiny bipolar humans under the age of 3, who can swing rapidly between endearingly cute antics and screaming, kicking, biting fits of rage. Completely unpredictable and often unintelligible lovable little walking blessings/nightmares disguised as tiny human beings with giant heads. Prone to selective hearing and repeating overheard curse words at inopportune moments. More dangerous when traveling in packs. Evolutionarily speaking, it is ridiculous that humans have the ability to reproduce fast enough to be the parent of more than one toddler at a time.”

I took my golden girl to the vet the other day to have her lump checked out. Thankfully, it is nothing serious, some sort of sebaceous cyst that has developed because of a plugged hair follicle. Apparently, it is very common in older dogs and the vet assured me she does not have cancer (WHEW)! We are going to schedule the cyst removal soon (she has 2 of them that need to come off). Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

Anyway, I had to take my son to the appointment since my husband was working. I knew it would be difficult to juggle the dog and toddler, but really had no choice. I kept my son strapped in his stroller and for the most part he did fine. While in the waiting room, he would point and hiss at every cat he saw. Why does my son hiss instead of meow when he sees a cat? Well, because we live downtown now and there are a lot of stray cats. Needless to say, I hiss at them constantly to get them off my property. Monkey see, monkey do…

We were called back to our room and the vet came in to examine Bailey. Of course when he started talking to me, my son began acting like a typical toddler (yelling, back arched, screaming to get out of the stroller). There was an immediate shift in the vet’s body language. He suddenly had this “deer in the headlights” look and I swear he turned pale. He then shared that his wife was due with their first child in 7 days. I guess my laugh came across evil as I said “good luck with that”. I did not mean to sound ugly but I was over my son’s behavior and was ready to ask for a toddler sized muzzle.

The vet proceeded to ask me for advice (what is wrong with this guy, seriously…asking for advice from the lady with a bad toddler)? Here is what I told him in a nutshell. Expect less sleep at first and trust your intuition. Parenting comes naturally so don’t second guess yourself. My BEST piece of advice to new parents is to take baby out before they are mobile and enjoy dinners in restaurants because when they are toddlers, you NEVER know how they are going to act in public. Also, it won’t be as easy to do things with your spouse that you used to enjoy as a couple (traveling, movies, fine dinners, visiting wineries, etc.). Find new activities that are fun for the three of you and enjoy every second, because they do not stay babies very long.

He still seemed very scared and I told him the hard part isn’t when they are babies, it’s when they are toddlers! His color seemed to come back to his face after I said that. It was obvious that my kid’s behaviors scared the living daylights out of this man. He has no clue what he is in for! I really should have scared him with my advice, but was afraid he may faint!

Earlier this week I went out for a much needed happy hour with a friend. I swear it was therapy (not the Coronas either, mainly the conversation and escape from toddler tantrums)!

I left my husband on “daddy duty” so he was on his own for bath time and putting our little guy to bed. This was the first time in my son’s 18 months of life that I missed his night time routine, but I desperately needed some “me” time. Well, my husband passed the test! I called to check in once and heard my son giggling in the background, so I knew he was alive and well. They both sounded like they were having a great time, so I knew I had nothing to worry about.

Since everything went so smoothly that night, I decided to make an appointment for a much needed hair cut. I usually go to Salon Salon in Lake Buena Vista but last night, opted for their newest location beside of Whole Foods. Trust me when I tell you I was transformed to another world. First, my stylist Cindy V. gave me a back and neck massage then I was escorted to the “Hair Spa”. All I can say is wow! The room was dark and cozy, with the scent of Aveda everywhere! A lady came in to shampoo my hair and all of the sudden I felt my chair starting to move. Next thing I know, I am lying flat thanks to the automatic reclining chair (it also had built in back massagers). God I love technology!

Between my scalp being rubbed and the massagers going up and down my back, I temporarily forgot that I am a SAHM who chases around an expressive toddler all day long. I almost fell asleep, I was so relaxed. Then, Cindy transformed my messy hair into a beautiful masterpiece (she is awesome, make an appointment and tell her “The Unemployed Mom” sent you)!

Afterwards, I went to Whole Foods to do some shopping toddler-free. I was exhausted from the relaxation I received at Salon Salon, but managed to get through it and spend a small fortune on a few bags of groceries. I arrived home around 10 pm, checked in on my sleeping angel then had a glass of wine!

I am already starting to plan my next outing so I can leave my husband on daddy duty again!

I have said this in previous blogs, but I am going to say it again. Parents of babies that are not yet mobile…take advantage of it! Go to restaurants and enjoy life while your baby is still a baby. Once you have a toddler on your hands, you just never know what you’re going to get when you sit down to eat in public!

At a recent outing, my husband and I decided it’s just not worth the stress to go to restaurants with our son at this stage. We have decided if we want to enjoy restaurant food, we will order take out and trust me when I tell you we have come to know our local options very well (Outback Steakhouse, Nona Sushi & Tijuana Flats)!

The problem is this, once children hit the toddler stage they HATE being confined. They experience freedom and expect it all the time. My son prefers to eat his food then get out of his high chair and explore! That is the norm for him at home so he gets very confused why he cannot do the same when we are in public.

At his 18 month appointment, the pediatrician basically told me that Terrible Two’s start now! Oh boy and the fun begins already! I have witnessed a few tantrums (and they are not pretty) so I can only imagine what I am in for!

1. My son will not poop in a pee pee diaper, instead he waits until a dry one is put on and then poops instantaneously.
2. Modesty went out the window after giving birth. It’s funny how “breasts” and “uterus” come up in casual conversations, even with men present.
3. The inventor of electrical outlet safety plugs is a genius (see photo, words are not necessary).               
   

   This is WHY you need outlet plugs!

4. What is with nicknames? My son must have 15 different names and he responds to each of them!
5. My son has NEVER had a tantrum, that is until his one year appointment with his pediatrician present. Made me look like such a failure as a mom because I had no idea how to respond!
6. My golden retriever used to be a pampered pup, now she is “just a dog”.
7. Walkers are toddler sized bumper cars. I’m surprised my son never got whiplash! Needless to say, his walker was sold at a yard sale 2 weeks after we purchased it. I am still repairing my walls and furniture!
8. Moms always talk about poop stories (I’m starting to realize why kids get embarrassed of their parents).
9. I have memorized at least 20 books in my son’s library, but I can never remember where I put my purse.
10. I used to become annoyed with parents who had screaming children in public, now I sympathize with them!
11. I am guilty of giving my son’s diaper the “sniff test” to see if he has pooped. Lately (thanks to solid foods), a sniff test is no longer necessary.