Do Not Say

I mentioned in an earlier post about having a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. After my loss, I heard a variety of comments from people trying to ease my pain. I know everyone meant well with their version of comforting words; however, some comments were not received well. There are some things that do not bring comfort to grieving parents and people are sometimes better off not trying to find the perfect words (trust me, they do not exist).

Why am I bringing this up? Well, a close friend of mine recently lost her first pregnancy to a miscarriage. We both agree that people who have not experienced a miscarriage cannot comprehend the pain they cause emotionally. The healing process takes a long time and people cannot just expect you to wake up the next day with the attitude that “it wasn’t meant to be”. A mom has to let her heart heal which takes a very long time.

The second a woman sees that plus sign on a home pregnancy test, she instantly begins dreaming of her unborn child. The thought of becoming a mother consumes her and that is all she can focus on. Now imagine the horror of learning that all those dreams have been shattered.

I wanted to write a quick list about things you DO NOT SAY, regardless if you think it will make the grieving mom feel better.

The baby would not have been healthy.

At least it happened before you got too attached.

It just wasn’t meant to be.

God will bless you when it’s your turn.

The timing just wasn’t right.

You’ll get pregnant again and have a healthy baby.

Time heals all wounds.

A lot of women experience miscarriages, they are very common.

The bottom line is this, regardless of how far along a mom is when she loses her baby, it is still a loss and it hurts. Also, there is a possibility the person can conceive again; however, you are not a doctor and do not know what is going on health wise. Anyone who has miscarried will be terrified with future pregnancies and the potential nightmare of losing another baby.

Even though you think what you are saying will bring comfort, just remember that sometimes not saying anything is best. Obviously, you do not want to ignore the situation, just let the grieving parents know you are there for them! Sometimes a hug is all it takes to let someone know that you love them and are there. I found a terrific website “Healing Hearts Baby Loss Comfort” with some ideas on what to say to someone who has experienced a miscarriage.

Thanks for visiting The Unemployed Mom.

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3 Thoughts to “Do Not Say”

  1. Ashley

    So true! I had two miscarriages, and both babies were healthy! Turns out I have a bleeding disorder called MTHFR. Pregnant for a third time with treatment and it’s smooth sailing cap’n! If you have the feeling that there’s something wrong with you, follow that! I did, and low and behold, I have a blood disorder that would’ve killed me! Don’t EVER give up! I’ve always wanted children, and even though the two miscarriages were rough (hemorrhaging, PPD, and PPP with the second) I never gave up hope. Now I’m 24 weeks pregnant with a little girl. Don’t let the fear of another miscarriage consume you either, relax and take a deep breath.

  2. Ginamarie

    This is so true. The worst part is, it’s usually the people closest to you being the offenders.

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